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by on Mar 17, 2016

glitterbust, burger records, kim gordon, alex knost, tomorrows tulips, LP, record, album, review lopie, lo pie, lo pie music Glitterbust // Glitterbust
Burger Records

Recommended Track(s): LOL no

Are Kim Gordon and Alex Knost fucking? Wait. Shit. Question: is that even true? Answer: it really fucking better be. Because why, dude? Why do this? Unless you are screwing him, there is NO reason to do an album with the main surfer guy from Tomorrows Tulips – a band so privileged and pointless and devoid of creative edge that it can only be described as “Bleach County Milk Rock.” Combine this with Kim Gordon’s unremarkable, inarticulate guitar washes and what she thinks is poetry, and you get an album that even sounds like it was lazily made, post-coital, in a bed with million-thread count sheets.

Now look, I can feel you reeling from that first paragraph, hearts all aflutter, flushed with heat, maybe you’ve felt the need to bust out the old Japanese folding fan to cool off. Calm yourself. I only came down on you with the flaming sword to make a point. It seems like we hear about the sordid sex lives of every rap or pop star but…Gordon and Knost are off limits? Why? Because they’re alt rock royalty? It certainly can’t be because they’re “actual musicians” since this album exists and is only lauded for its pure celebrity as much as anything Kanye has ever done.

Joke of an opener “Soft Landing” should have been called “Slow Sinking”, because I can only imagine that this is exactly what it feels like to commit suicide via quicksand. Resigned, dying the world’s most boring death, inch by unhurried inch. There’s actually a tranquility in it. That is, until Gordon and Knost needlessly chime in with this prosaic, toneless beatnik bullshit. The kind of forced and over-the-top monotone verse that belongs on a show called: Ben Stein’s Deaf Poetry Cram. Not in an oh-so-serious guitar noise art-thing like this. Which leads me to ask, “Oh shit. Is this a comedy album?” Because I feel like I’m being mocked for ever liking Sonic Youth.

“The Highline” is basically every slow Sonic Youth song except done by two flannel wearing students at some Orange County community college. This is the kind of music that should be coming from behind the muffled garaged door of someone’s mom’s house in Downey, CA. I know that because this is exact kind of flaccid, non-lyrical garbage I wrote when I was 19 and used to do the exact same thing. Which is why it tripped me out that Consequence of Sound ended their review of the album with, “Nobody else could be Glitterbust, either.” Seriously? Ask any musician and they’ll tell you that one listen through of Washing Machine and you could not only duplicate this sound, you could teach a lesser musician to do it. The same aloof vapidity that is deeply entrenched in Tomorrows Tulips is “trained up” by the formless, pretentiousness of Sonic Youth. And if there’s anything I hate, it’s music that literally anyone can do being played up as unique. Do yourself a weird favor, just listen to Tomorrows Tulips instead. At least when they suck, they’re not sucking down at you.

 

16 Comments

  1. Elaina
    March 17, 2016

    This is a lazy review. Leaning too hard on the shock factor of dissing a well respected artist. You might as well have left it at “fuck you mom!”

    Reply
  2. S
    March 17, 2016

    Mom? How fucking agist! Is Gordon even that old? Do I know or care? Or do I just think this fucking album is lazy drek? There’s nothing shocking about disliking Kim Gordon OR any of Alex Knost’s pet projects. ALOT of people hate both.

    Reply
    • Elaina
      March 17, 2016

      Ooo someone is a super defensive troll. What’s up with your “sordid sex life” argument? Do you think that paragraph reads as anything other than “haha guys did you see that? I flipped off the teacher!”
      What a shining example of music journalism at its finest. A golden turd.

      Reply
      • S
        March 17, 2016

        If that’s what -I’m- doing, then what is it exactly that you think you’re doing? I mean, besides desperately trying to bring attention to yourself via “out doing the class clown” by being a classless cunt? Get back to running Grimy Goods, you bunk bitch. If your “flippin’ ears” can’t take the heat, then get out of Moe’s Family Style Restaurant.

        Reply
        • Elaina
          March 17, 2016

          Oh my god I knew you were a prick. I’m using the comments section for what it’s for. You just called me a cunt and a bitch for calling you out for your poor work. It’s a two way road, cowboy. If you can’t take it, don’t dish it you dirty fucking diaper on the side of the road.
          I don’t care if you didn’t like this album. Just write a better article, douchebag.

          Reply
          • Elaina
            March 17, 2016

            Wtf is grimy goods? I don’t care

          • S
            March 18, 2016

            Why are you fucking walking flint stones so convinced you’re dishing anything out? You’re a scratching post. I’m sharpening the shit out of my claws but your opinion is irrelevant. Why you so mad? Lol. There is nothing you can do about me writing any of this. Just enjoy it

          • Calamity clam
            March 18, 2016

            Perhaps this is your first rodeo, you know, where the bull seems to think it can outwit the cowboy by hoofing and heaving its gelatinous little brain around his “two way street” only to be commandeered into a meat grinder for the audience to relish as the hopped up rodeo clowns line up the next brash dim witted contestant to the front line.

          • S
            March 21, 2016

            Cool. At this point I don’t even know if your forced-as-fuck paragraph even applies to either of us, but also: I don’t care. I never did. Like what the fuck is a “street”? I’m over here fucking with FTL wormhole technology, bitch. Stop trying to bring me down to your level by talking to me.

    • Mariana Timony
      March 17, 2016

      Nice try, but this piece passes the Willis test. Next.

      Reply
  3. reader/listener
    March 18, 2016

    Loved Sonic Youth, like Tomorrow’s Tulips. The Velvet like droning Jesus and Mary Chain vibe, and mundane lyrics are at the right moment like catnip to me. But darned if Mr. Sim didn’t nail it on this one. Funny and articulate to boot, can’t ask more in a review. Perhaps it’s important for someone to point the indie’er than thou that creeps in without knowing. For that kudos. As to the back and forth, I’ll trust Ms. T’s judgment.

    Reply
  4. matt
    March 18, 2016

    no, they are not fucking, or even hooking up to answer your question.

    Reply
    • S
      March 21, 2016

      well maybe the album would’ve been better if they had,
      because this is fucking horrible.

      Reply
  5. Drew
    March 25, 2016

    i came here because i think the over-the-top sim-isms and then people feebly trying to throw shade at the guy who threw the shade is pretty funny. it all sort of reeks of inedibly-salted bong water spilled on a pedalboard… and that’s a ton of fun to read.

    then i clicked that song and sweet buttfucking christ THAT is what this is all about? it sounds like someone left a cat and a guitar next to a very quiet amp on a reasonably low volume and then forgot about it for ~20-92 minutes and HOLY SHIT THIS TRACK IS STILL GOING.

    feel free to think me a philistine and that this lofty broccoli-fart of a release is just over-my-head good. i’d rather listen to a ten-minute loop of the ‘baker street’ sax riff.

    Reply
  6. avvry
    April 7, 2016

    i’d like to meet the people who disagree with this review and have listened to this album more than once.

    Reply

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