Glitterbust // Glitterbust
Recommended Track(s): LOL no
Are Kim Gordon and Alex Knost fucking? Wait. Shit. Question: is that even true? Answer: it really fucking better be. Because why, dude? Why do this? Unless you are screwing him, there is NO reason to do an album with the main surfer guy from Tomorrows Tulips – a band so privileged and pointless and devoid of creative edge that it can only be described as “Bleach County Milk Rock.” Combine this with Kim Gordon’s unremarkable, inarticulate guitar washes and what she thinks is poetry, and you get an album that even sounds like it was lazily made, post-coital, in a bed with million-thread count sheets.
Now look, I can feel you reeling from that first paragraph, hearts all aflutter, flushed with heat, maybe you’ve felt the need to bust out the old Japanese folding fan to cool off. Calm yourself. I only came down on you with the flaming sword to make a point. It seems like we hear about the sordid sex lives of every rap or pop star but…Gordon and Knost are off limits? Why? Because they’re alt rock royalty? It certainly can’t be because they’re “actual musicians” since this album exists and is only lauded for its pure celebrity as much as anything Kanye has ever done.
Joke of an opener “Soft Landing” should have been called “Slow Sinking”, because I can only imagine that this is exactly what it feels like to commit suicide via quicksand. Resigned, dying the world’s most boring death, inch by unhurried inch. There’s actually a tranquility in it. That is, until Gordon and Knost needlessly chime in with this prosaic, toneless beatnik bullshit. The kind of forced and over-the-top monotone verse that belongs on a show called: Ben Stein’s Deaf Poetry Cram. Not in an oh-so-serious guitar noise art-thing like this. Which leads me to ask, “Oh shit. Is this a comedy album?” Because I feel like I’m being mocked for ever liking Sonic Youth.
“The Highline” is basically every slow Sonic Youth song except done by two flannel wearing students at some Orange County community college. This is the kind of music that should be coming from behind the muffled garaged door of someone’s mom’s house in Downey, CA. I know that because this is exact kind of flaccid, non-lyrical garbage I wrote when I was 19 and used to do the exact same thing. Which is why it tripped me out that Consequence of Sound ended their review of the album with, “Nobody else could be Glitterbust, either.” Seriously? Ask any musician and they’ll tell you that one listen through of Washing Machine and you could not only duplicate this sound, you could teach a lesser musician to do it. The same aloof vapidity that is deeply entrenched in Tomorrows Tulips is “trained up” by the formless, pretentiousness of Sonic Youth. And if there’s anything I hate, it’s music that literally anyone can do being played up as unique. Do yourself a weird favor, just listen to Tomorrows Tulips instead. At least when they suck, they’re not sucking down at you.