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by on Mar 18, 2014

coathangers, suck my shirt, LP, suicide squeeze, album lo-pie, 2014, lopie, lo pie, lo pie musicThe Coathangers // Suck My Shirt
Suicide Squeeze
3.5/5 Pies

Recommended Track: Merry-Go-Round

The closer The Coathangers come to achieving the maximum score in the Delta 5 Trifecta on their new LP Suck My Shirt, the better they are. The Delta 5 Trifecta is an easy three step goodness evaluation system that can be applied to garage, punk, post-punk, post-post-punk, and grindcore bands with two or more female members.

#1: How atonal are they?

Are the guitars atonal? Is the lead singer? Does the drummer sound like she’s nodding off on heroin? Did she shoot it in between her toes, or just smoke it? Pick a number between one and five, one being The Shirelles and five being The Shaggs. The Coathangers come in at number two with The Pleasure Seekers.

#2: How danceable are they?

Have they been cajoled into playing tortured and distorted music against their will, or have they evolved naturally in a mildewy garage? Do they draw influence from disco, soul and reggae, or do they draw influence from people that drew influence from disco, soul and reggae? Do the drums and bass occupy the forefront, or is their repertoire known more for their angular and jagged guitar riffs? Are they afraid to take chances, or do they fuck up in the best way possible? Pick a number between one and five, one being The Distillers and five being ESG. The Coathangers come in at number 3 with The Chefs.

#3: How musically competent are they?

Were they classically trained on cello from an early age, or did they find a broken Japanese lawsuit bass in a dumpster full of dead rats and expired bacon? Do they tune up before a live show, or just drink until their guitars are loud enough? Do they vomit? How much do they vomit? Do they vomit on the audience, and if they do, does the audience reciprocate? The Coathangers come in at number one with Marianne Faithfull.

Final Score

A number between ten and fifteen indicates that the band in question is punk in the best sense of the word: inept, useless and loud. A number between five and ten indicates that the band in question approaches Delta 5 levels of balance, finesse and atonality. A number between 1 and 5 suggests that the band you are judging may receive mainstream radio play. How uncool, dude.

The Coathangers come in just ahead of mainstream radio accessibility with Suck My Shirt, with standout track “Merry-Go-Round” sounding the most like Delta 5 in a rather original and dynamic way all their own. At their worst they sound like The Strokes playing with the drummer from Wire, which still isn’t all that bad.

 

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